TOILET FLUSH.

here i am, still awake thinking of you.

i know exactly where you are right now and i know that i am the last person that will ever cross your mind. i get it, and the only the chance of me being with you is when hell freezes over. what i just don't get is how much you have an impact on me. yes, i like you. I DAMN, FREAKIN LIKE YOU. if only i can send that message down to your clueless brain. of course you will never know that.

why am i always drawn to insensitive jocks? why do i reject honest, decent guys who approach me? my friends just shake their heads on me whenever i go for bad ass guys who are so obsessed with themselves that they could just marry their egos. and yet i complain that nobody cares for me. my friend corrected me by saying: "no dude, no insensitive asshole cares for you -- and trust me, nobody of their 'kind' will." another one added: "and until you change your preference on men, you will forever be a bridesmaid but never the bride."

talk about friends who smack you on your face.

don't start asking me. cos trust me i have no idea too. i have maybe's, but i can't pinpoint why. maybe jocks appear more masculine for me (i'm dreaming of the idea of having a knight in shining armor who will protect me from harm. lol). maybe decent guys are just too ummm... decent for me? or maybe i want to get serious while i'm on the playing field. and that, i know, is mission impossible.

and even if i'm liberated, i don't compromise my values for anyone. no matter how much i like the guy, i may slip on letting him feel it but there's no way i'll tell it directly. i have ground rules: no sleeping until we're formally together, no 'meet the parents' until we are at least a month old, no PDA's, and.. either we are exclusive or your flesh is for the rest of sluts to share. call me selfish, but open relationships will never be an option for me. especially when i'm in love. i'd cry buckets in my room of you not being with me rather than look like an idiot in front of everyone else while you make fun of me.

this guy and my values totally clash. as in 360 degrees -- impossible. i guess i will just have to wait either for him to like me too and accept my ground rules or for me to shift my attention to a more deserving son of a bitch. however, if there's one thing i'm really good at: that's being stubborn.

oh, and i'm good at throwing tantrums too.